Monday, November 14, 2011

ANIMATED: San Francisco 49ers NT Isaac Sopoaga Will Blow Your Mind

by Bill Hanstock • Nov 14, 2011 8:00 AM PST

The San Francisco 49ers picked up another big victory on Sunday over the New York Giants, but some startling new information has come to light during the pre-game warmups. I'm no scientist, but I think we've uncovered photographic evidence that the Niners just may -- just may -- be creating some sort of superhuman contingent.


What you're looking at in the above .gif is San Francisco 49ers nose tackle Isaac Sopoaga. He is 6'2" and weighs 330 pounds. A couple of weeks ago, this fellow grabbed a crucial pass on a game-clinching drive. Now that I'm looking at this new evidence that is in no way sped up or altered, I can only make one, obvious conclusion: the 49ers are involved in genetic tampering.

Let the record further show that Sopoaga, a former rugby player, occasionally shows off his strong arm during pre-game warm-ups by firing passes around the field to his teammates.

Now, I'm not sure whether we're talking about rays of the gamma or cosmic variety. I have no clue as to whether the San Francisco team geneticists are using radiation, or mystical crystals, or possibly Terrigen Mists. Perhaps it's just good old-fashioned super soldier serum. But whatever they're tampering with over there, it's clearly working. The 49ers, against all odds, hold an 8-1 record and their massive nose tackle is darting around the field like Usain Bolt.

Keep it up, you beautiful mad scientists. Whatever you're doing in the basements of Candlestick Park, it's working.

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